Tag: Humor

Tips for Smooth Smoothie Making

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So, one would think that after 21 days of making smoothies every morning I’d have it down to a science. I mean the name in itself suggests a smooth and easy process. How hard can it be?? Throw the ingredients in the Ninja, press a button and it does all the work. Well, for some reason it typically doesn’t work out that way for me.

I’ve decided that maybe I need some written reminders posted by the Ninja to help me out. Maybe the problem is I’m not awake yet. It’s typically one of the first things I do, because I wake-up hungry most of the time (awesome) and need something in my belly ASAP. So that my belly will quit yelling at me, so I can take my vitamins and so that I can drink my green tea. Vitamins and caffeine on an empty stomach are not a good scene. Andddd I can’t have eggs right now thanks to this elimination diet so smoothies it is.

The first roadblock I often hit is getting the ingredients in the blender without making a mess. As in I am really clumsy and somehow spill whatever is supposed to go into the blender all over the kitchen. When it’s blueberries and you are running late for work even better. It’s amazing how those suckers roll under everything, leaving a trail of vibrant purple in their wake and squished blueberries under my feet. Fun times.

The next problem is that when I do manage to finally get everything situated in the blender, I realize I’ve forgotten to put the blade in. I get to dump everything back out that I just worked so hard to get in so that I can put the blade in. As you can imagine that it’s own mini adventure. At this point, I’m ready to call it day.

I continue on, refusing to be daunted and too far in at this point to pull the plug. I breathe a sigh of relief that I am finally ready for the easy part where I press a button and let it go. I flip the switch and it’s making a weird noise and smells like the engine might be burning. Oh right. It’s still on the single serve setting and I’m using a pitcher. Minor adjustment, easy fix and I’m back in business.

The Ninja is finally working now, chewing the blueberries and kale into a frothy mix that I have definitely earned and spraying it out onto the counter and walls. Wait one of those things is not supposed to be happening. Yep, I did it again. I didn’t check to make sure the pitcher lid was closed hence the smoothie murals now decorating the kitchen.

Will I ever learn? Can I ever be trusted to make a smoothie without making a mess? Is there something wrong with me???

Chugging the Kool-Aid

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So if you think this blog has turned health-centric you should live with me. I am completely sold on this “you are what you eat concept” and convinced that I am surrounded by toxicity. In my defense, I’m reading Clean which is both informative and very scary at the same time.

The toxicity is in my shampoo (I hate washing my hair anyways) seeping into my brain and probably why it feels like mush half the time. It’s pumped through the vents at my office building clouding my senses which is probably why I feel like a zombie at work. It’s definitely in the box mac n chz I so adore clinging to my insides and poisoning my stomach one elbow pasta at a time. It’s in our laundry detergent leading to a universe of missing socks, jeans that no longer fit and itchy sweaters.

It’s all too much. I give-up!  I’m moving to the middle of nowhere, living off the land and shutting out this toxic world. A place where I won’t be judged for not washing my hair, work zombies don’t exist, there are no shiny grocery stores with boxes of mac n chz calling my name and it’s acceptable to wear stretch pants every day.

Who’s with me???

 

Perception

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I was flipping through the television and came across the Live Well channel. It was my first experience with the channel, and I assumed that it was all about health. Perfect! If I saw that sriracha taco commercial one more time than this diet might be OVER. It seemed like a safe haven from the barrage of commercials urging me to eat this and drink that. None of which are items that I’m currently interested in endorsing. Oddly enough, there aren’t a ton of commercials pimping the virtues of the veggies and fruit that are mainstays of my diet right now. But I guess that’s another topic for another day.

Imagine my surprise when the segment was all about cocktails. While I’m off the wagon for the next 10 days at least, I plan on enjoying a fun drink again so I was excited to learn about living healthy and enjoying a cocktail. And then the hostess proceeded to mix a cocktail made with beer. Not even a light beer, but a dark, smooth, decadent looking stout…Urrrghhh, I do not need to be thinking about beer right now! Humph, so much for living well!

When I mentioned it to Garett his response was spot-on.

Well, sounds like they are living well…

Oh, right.

I Blame Improv Class

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Lately I have not felt funny. Or maybe funny things aren’t happening to me. This translates to WTH am I supposed to blog about. I’m not sure what is going on, but I need to get my funny back. It’s not like I think I’m hysterically funny, or witty, or sharp; but I normally at least think of myself as a kinda funny, goofy, slapstick person.

So naturally I decided to take an Improv Class. It seemed like a fun, creative outlet that I would enjoy. And that I might actually have a tiny bit of natural aptitude for it. I figured it would be hard work, but did not anticipate how bad I would be at it. I’m talking stage fright, freezing-up and completely overwhelmed by all the funny in the room. Still I  kept it up, figuring at some point it’d click and I’d have an ah-ha moment.

It didn’t. And it stole my funny. Desperate times call for desperate measures. What to do?? Well, I guess I might have to take the course again. What a racket!!!

Pet Peeve Monday

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In honor of Mondays being the absolute pits, I thought I’d post a pet peeve. I know I should probably try to be inspirational and uplifting on today of all days, but it’s Monday and I don’t feel like it.

I have to park in a parking deck for work. Since I’m one of those people that is always running late for work, I’ve historically peeled into the parking lot, jetted out of the car and sprinted into work. Not possible when you are dealing with a parking deck. I can’t seem to get the hang of adding 10 minutes to my commute to deal with navigating the parking deck and getting to the 4th floor where the not very special people without reserved spots are relegated.

My general demeanor upon arriving in the parking deck in the morning is typically pretty dark. I’m not super thrilled about spending my day cooped-up in an office. Sorry people, I am not one of those lucky individuals who can’t wait to get to work and dispense sunshine and rainbows.

My demeanor gets much darker when I see the amount of SUV’s parked in the compact section of the deck taking up more than one space! These spaces are teeny-tiny. I have had to use my passenger side door three times over the past few months to enter my car, because someone was parked so close to my car that I couldn’t access the driver side door.

So parking deck designers who made the spots too small in an effort to squeeze every bit of space outta that towering cement hellhole and SUV owners who insist on parking in the compact spots, thank you for being even more obnoxious than returning to work on a Monday. I wasn’t sure that was possible….

WTH? Wednesday

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WTH? This always happens to me at the grocery store in the check-out line.

Harris Teeter Employee: Whoa, is that a spaghetti squash? It’s huge! I’ve been meaning to try that. How do you make it?
Me: I roast it and put spaghetti sauce on it.
In My Mind: It really is a great substitute for pasta. Look at me passing on the healthy tips.

HT Employee: Tofu….Hmmmm. Not sure about that one.
Me: Yes, it’s an interesting ingredient.
Okkkkkkk….

HT Employee: Blueberries? I love blueberries.
Me: Yep, they are pretty great.
And here we go…

HT Employee: Wow, there must have been a sale on cheese.
Me: Yes, I’m stocking-up.
Is she judging my cheese consumption? Do I care? I just want to get out of here. And that cheese is looking pretty tasty…

HT Employee: I didn’t know we sold that soap here!
Me: Yep.
Make it stop. Why is the man behind me glaring at me? It’s not my fault my purchases are so entertaining!

HT Employee: Wine. Yum! I’m gonna need to see your id for that.
Me: Sure thing.
Finally! Something I can get on-board with. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But still, although it ended on a good note, was that exchange really necessary??

 

Oh, Right….

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Last night we were streaming an old episode of Jeopardy from YouTube–because what else would we be doing on a Friday night–when a weather alert scrolled across the bottom of the screen.

Me: Ahhhh! A winter weather advisory. Dangit, I was hoping it’d wait till Monday. Hmmm, those counties don’t look familiar….

Radio Silence.

Dream Reader

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My Blogging 101 course asked us participants to publish a post meant for our “dream reader”. So of course I can’t get the song Dream Weaver out of my head now. You see how that could happen, right?

But I digress. Sure it’d be nice to have a dream reader that could read this blog and magically make all my bloggy dreams come true. Yes, I have a few. But really, I’m happy if someone reads my blog and it resonates with him or her. I love it when I come across a blog that feels like a long lost friend.

So, if you are reading thank you for being my dream reader. If you want more, make sure to follow me so you’ll always get my latest and greatest posts. I promise not to make you cry too much. In case you didn’t notice, I really, really, really just wanna make you laugh. Or smile. I know some of you aren’t as easily amused as others.

Blogging 101

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Sooo, I signed-up for a blogging course/challenge/primer through WordPress. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but from the first assignment it seems to be the massive kick in the bum I need to incorporate more writing into my life. Right off the bat, our first assignment is to introduce our blog and the purpose behind it.

I wrote a welcome back post for the new year that touched on my goal to write more this year. The assignment got me thinking about why I’m choosing to do it via this blog. Because honestly it’s pretty flippin scary to think about any one but you guys (you know who you are) perusing through here.

Well, let’s see…

I am pretty attached to this project and ready to take it to the next level….I’ve come this far….I still kinda, sorta, maybe, really want this blog to take off and help me achieve my writing goals….For your enjoyment and entertainment….Biographical purposes to preserve my life’s little adventures…..It’s complicated.

For more clarification check out these posts–(I took the liberty of updating the titles to better reflect what you are getting into here)

Welcome to the Awesomeness

What the Heck is L-Bonics?

This is Why I Did It

And Why I’m Still Doing It